I had more of my dream/undreams last night. Let the internal tempest swirl as she mainly listened to me scream about everything that is bothering me. So now I'm really tired since my brain was awake all night, but at least I'm more at peace. I also desire to see a really good version of The Tempest for some reason. Does one even exist? So often referenced, yet never mainstream.

I've been writing again thanks to April telling me to do the werewolf story. She is my muse for whatever reason and brings my storytelling into focus. The beginnings of a new story are always the most difficult part (maybe that's why I also create things with mulitple parts. While the plot is known and characters envisioned, the actual world with all the living parts has to be brought into focus and committed to words. Once the world lives then it rolls out faster, but at the moment I'm spending more energy visiting with the devil of details than anything else. It works though. I feel this one better than I have others, perhaps even since I started with Morph. (I would say Rave as well, but his life is so chaotic and sporatic that it doesn't qualify) We'll see if I can get this one to fruition before I go back to do the fifth Morph book because I feel the need to branch out into something more at the moment. Though I do know that the fifth Morph book is fully locked away inside my skull and finally ready to come out when I give it the chance.

Last thing of note, my trip to Austin will be postponed a bit. It looks more like it won't happen till first of March. I fill ready to go and lay the foundation for the rest of my life.

bah, i should be writing. (i did a bit) i'll tool around with it a bit more, but i'm also tired. it strangely seems as the only time i write is when apey tells me to. if i ever get published, i might have to bribe her into moving in with me to make sure i'm working.

talked to jennifer a bit. waiting on my cousin to get back to me about going to austin this weekend. don't really have too much to say. i'm in a better state of mind than earlier today and going to stop poking dead dogs (or is it sleeping monkeys *shrugs*)

First off, old women who refuse to start putting things on the belt in the checkout line until the people in front are completely done and like to do it one item at a time from the back of the freaking belt deserve to be beaten with the hardest object they have in their buggy. I'm just saying.

The real news for the day is that my ex-wife has a new boyfriend. Who wants to meet me and possibly be friends. I wish her well and hope she'll be happy. I'm still not happy with the world at the moment due to fairness issues, but what can I do?

The big problem for me at the moment is that I have been without sex for over a month now. I'm usually okay with this, but I get in these moods every once in a while and today has been one of them. I don't know if this is because I'm writing stories that have a lot of intense sexuality and characters or if my mood is causing the stories (chicken vs egg). Plus, it's closing in on Valentine's Day which apparently has become the buy lingerie and sex toys holiday without me being made aware. Either way I'm in one of my vampire/seducing moods where I want to get dressed up and seduce someone. It's annoying because I feel that way and I can't act on it and that I'm upset I can't act on it. It's one of those nights I want someone in my bed.

So, yeah, that's about it. Sad really to get worked up over something so stupid. I'm going to play a round of my golf video game because it's completely unappealing then go to bed with thoughts of all the cleaning and schoolwork I need to do tomorrow. Sorry about subjecting anyone to thoughts of me being sexual; I'll pay you back one day for all the alcohol you need to get such images out of your head.

I had a session with Molly this morning and she likes my werewolf romance story idea. Made me happy.

Sadly, I'm sick this morning/last night. Stomach bug, so I'm not at work and instead watching dvds and trying to catch up on my sleep. More later, I guess.

It sucks having ideas but no focus. Frustrating because I'll stare at a screen for half an hour then just stop caring. Anyway, life rolls on and try to be positive...yadda, yadda, yoda.

I awoke in a decent mood because I had a great dream. Not one of those dreams (though it seems my ex's mom is even hooking up with people these days making me feel ten kinds of special *looks longingly at swords to fall on*) My dream began as I was a dejected soul with green hair and a fetish for purple jackets. Only life didn't seem that much fun to me anymore. I didn't even have the desire to abuse random passersby with violence. Yes, I was a Joker without the heart for chaos. Then I stumbled across my own little Harley Quinn who got me back into the ways of old Mister J. (This whole dream looked like something out of Dark Knight, a real Gotham City with real person I know as Harley and my bud Cory as a henchman) While playing at an arcade Harley got me to toss a knife at some annoying street punks, just because. That's when I started feeling it again and snickering. We went back to our apartment and played with my pets. And I started laughing and planning acts of violent hilarity again. I was ready to inject a little chaos back into the system.

So am I slightly off that this dream made me feel better? Probably, but I don't really care. It made me happy for a moment and that's all that matters to me.

*Commentary: While rereading this thing after posting I realized the whole subtext of the dream. It's all about the fact that the real me is starting to come back after all this time of being buried for a variety of reasons. That and maybe my Lady is trying to hint that a trigger for full bloom might be on the way. At least that's what Molly would tell me to get out of it. Maybe it just means I need to dye my hair green *evil twinkle in eye**

I have no clue is my capitalization in the subject is correct. I've been stuck doing school work all day (accounting - why the hell is a computer programming major in accounting? I want to make video games, maybe I should make "Accounting Mamma"...God, I need sleep.) I really dislike my technical writing class. I have a feeling this class will ruin my 4.0 gpa. I am to flamboyant a writer to tone it down. No introductory clauses and prepositions? Blasphemers! And I still have 3 programs to design and code in visual basic by next friday. Plus 2 more American History tests and assignments to do by Sunday.

The last day or so has been crappy with too much stuff going on. I had this nice little rant planned out in my head on my drive home, but I'm not feeling it anymore. For everything that's bad most of it I can't control, and the rest is due to me helping people, and I can't stop doing that. No sense in complaining. I just keep moving on and hope a few things in my life that might make it better will come to fruition.

Best of all I got a new ringtone.

This is really difficult to type because my dog has not left me alone all day. If I'm in the bed watching tv then she's laying on top of me. Even as I'm now sitting in my chair, she's on top of my lap. And she whines if I don't pick her up so she can sleep on me. Did I mention she grumbles, yes grumbles, if I move around too much?

I've cleaned house and played some more Fallout 3. Currently I'm watching Merlin's Apprentice on Sci-Fi, which is a pretty good sequel to an underrated mini-series called Merlin. It stared Sam Neill, who is looking a good bit older these days. I mention this only because everytime I see him in something I want a sequel to Event Horizon, which I'm sure will never happen. (Tangent because of commercial - Is the Oovoo guy not the ugliest man ever to have a cute daughter? Does this prove we know nothing about genetics?)

I really want to see Underwold: Lycans, but I have no desire to watch it by myself. I don't like watching movies alone unless I'm getting paid for it. It's always better to have someone to talk about the movie with afterward.

Lastly, I've been helping my ex out with her new relationships cause she was asked out on a date. This seems horribly wrong to me somehow. It's times like this I think I'm way too nice of a guy, but I do want her to be happy. Then there's the times I have to comfort her because some guy screwed her over again. I'll do anything I can to help people I care about but the irony of me being alone and consoling her with her guy problems is not lost on me.

I had a nasty migraine last night. Ended up laying in the dark for a few hours instead of writing or doing this post. Also noticed the newest picture I have is from almost a year ago. Wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't lost thirty pounds and pierced my ears again. Still, that day at Epcot I was wearing an LSU shirt and people thought I was on the championship team ^_^

I had a dream the other night where I was on a new season of shot of love with Tila Tequila. Never even watched that show, so it made sense I wasn't happy about being on it in my dream. Besides I ended falling for one of the girls on the show, and we kept wanting to get kicked off to be together but we could never get removed. I mention this mainly because this same girl has appeared in a few of my other dreams lately, but I can never figure out who she is.

As much as I love my puppy and my outside cats that refuse to let me pet them, I miss having an inside cat. I'm just way too much of a cat person, and they are so empathic and smart that dogs just seem like happy overactive little kids by comparison.

Storywise I'm torn between working on a completely new vampire novel staring a char named Calm; Haunts Case #3 wherein Max and the gang investigate a Canadian Sanitarium; a traditional haunted house short story that features an older brother leaving college to take care of his younger siblings; and just starting on another draft of the second Morph novel. I also would like to do more insane comedy stories featuring Sach, but I think it would work best as comic strips and I'm no artist.

Oh well, can't complain. I might have a new friend (I hope so, cause she's really cute and seems interesting), so someone up there must like me.

Let's see...I've had a lot of little crappy things happening. No internet at work for about four days. My desktop had a virus, so I was fixing it for two days. Various other little crappy things like textbooks not being available and classes being canceled as well as an ex who constantly worries I'm going to meet someone soon despite the fact she's the one who is constantly being flirted with and hit on. Then again she's the one always predicting the future; I just deal with ghosts and boogies. Worse, Final Fantasy XIII has been delayed to 2010.

On the bright side...my car can finally get fixed next week after nearly three weeks worth of delays even though it was parked and empty at the time (I'm sure it was it's fault because it had it coming or something). I got to see My Bloody Valentine 3D and it was good, like giggle and be entertained throughout the movie good. I have two new story ideas, but who knows when I'll get around to them with school and work and whatever else gets thrown at me. In terms of Karma of must be due something really good to balance out all this bad luck lately. See, optimism...I feel ill now.

I've had two quotes resounding in my skull for the last few weeks. The first is the Joker's famous lines from Dark Knight. Mainly because of the bad luck I've been having lately with everything from my car getting hit to the guy who was screwing around with my ex-wife showing up in one of my classes and me not being allowed to torture him for legal reasons. At points it all seems funny to me and I wonder why I take life so seriously.

The second quote is one I heard in a dream years ago. In the dream I was sitting on this grassy knoll, tired and weary. At the point where I had given up and didn't want to try anymore a voice (I'd come to believe it was the Goddess) told me to pick up my sword. I complained like I normally do...why? I'm tired? what does it matter? She repeated the same words, and I found myself reaching into the earth to pull out my battered sword. I found my way to my feet, feeling energized by the sun (that had a strange triple ring symbol I found out years later was a triquerta or variation thereof). As I struggle with too much crap these days, those words costantly ring in my mind to encourage me to endure.

I just feel like writing all this at the moment. The need to speak and perhaps quiet some of the stress I've been feeling lately. This will be more random than usual...

First, I really miss Malfoy. He was my rock for so long; more than my cat, my familiar. Losing him in the storm still hurts, perhaps my biggest personal failure. I think of this because my feet were cold the other night and he always slept on my feet or my chest. My dog is cute and sweet, but I don't have the bond of years, blood, and tears I did with Mal.

I'm also lonely again. Can't complain about it too much, but I miss certain things. I miss holding someone's hand at night, giving her showers and washing her hair, and kissing someone goodbye every morning. I miss that sense of belonging with someone, having something in my life beyond myself that I am a part of something greater than when we're apart. Sadly, I also miss the sex, which might be because someone has been calling me wanting to do stuff but changing her mind when the opportunity arises. I'm used to it and everyone has the right to choose what and when; it still sucks for me because I have to pretend I'm not lonely or horny.

I'd love to find someone I could be creative with. Even if they just listen to my ideas (which are exploding out of my head these days) I'd be happy. If I could find a girl with the creative chemistry I had with Apey, the physical relationship with Kelly, and who actually tries to take care of my needs (or at least help me acknowledge them) I'd probably have no right to complain about anything in my life again (ok, we all know that's a lie because of bills and school and politicians, but I would be content.)

That's it for now. I might be back later. Maybe bring back my old device of letting my chars comment on my life's happenings. If most of them have recovered from their hangovers.